A client of mine was told confidentially by a third party that he was picky. That’s it. That’s all he was given. The messenger didn’t want to reveal the source and so my client was left with nothing to go on.

Few people consider being picky a virtue. Especially my client, who was new to the job. When he told me about this, he had fashioned no fewer than three detailed theories about what he might have done and with whom that could have possibly led to this disparaging label.

What a waste!

Think of the wasted time, energy, and anxiety that could have been avoided if that confidential source had simply talked to my client directly and in private, calmly pointed out the specific observable behavior, and explained the impact of that behavior on himself or the company.

For example, “In the meeting this morning, when you {said xyz}, I felt like you were {demanding too much detail / dragging out decisions / micromanaging / being too picky}. This isn’t the first time I’ve felt this way, so I thought I should tell you.”

“When you {did xyz},” assuming this is a simple, factual, non-judgmental statement, isn’t a hard thing to say and it isn’t debatable.

“It felt like {abc}” is an equally simple, factual, non-judgmental statement that is honest, straightforward, and not debatable. How can anyone disagree with your statement about your feelings? They can’t. They might not understand, but they can’t deny your feelings.

So what usually happens when some says “when you {said xyz}, I {felt abc}”? My client, like most mature adults, may have been a little taken aback. He may have raised his eyebrows, maybe even winced, and maybe felt a little defensiveness. At least initially. But then he would have wanted to understand what really happened so he could prevent a recurrence. The simple, honest statement about what happened and why it had the impact it did leads to clarification, understanding, reflection, new insights, perhaps an apology, and maybe a promise to try to be more careful. In both directions!

Over time, if everyone on your team knows how to say “when you {said xyz}, I {felt abc},” you will see greater trust, more open and honest communication, and an increased ability to help each other be more effective. I know this is true because I’ve guided and witnessed this transformation in many of my clients.

So simple: an observable action coupled with an explanation of its impact.

The alternative is painful. Silence hurts the person holding anger and frustration inside. Vague, pejorative labels tossed about behind someone’s back are destructive. And, no one learns. So sad.

It doesn’t have to be this way. Don’t leave people guessing or in the dark. Encourage honest comments about observable behavior and its impact, whether good or bad, so you can help each other improve. No one can learn if they don’t understand their effect on you and the organization, and which of their actions are helpful, which are a problem, and why.

By the way, it is much easier to learn new skills like this if everyone on your team is on board with the techniques and understands what you are trying to do. That way, as each of you learns, you can all help each other and avoid defensiveness. I’ve helped many executive teams learn these skills and my clients are typically delighted with the new level of open and honest communication.