It is amazing that I always remember the name and author of a book I barely started decades ago. The reason I do is because it taught me a powerful lesson that has returned to me countless times throughout my career:

• If you try to do something to others, you will likely fail.
• If you try to do something with others, you will likely succeed.

The list of truly respectful actions that you can do with others is amazingly short:

• Ask
• Answer
• Listen
• Offer

The list of possible to behaviors is tremendously long. It is also surprising in that it contains seemingly collaborative actions such as teach and coach. If you try to teach or coach others when they don’t want to be taught, you are definitely doing something to them. However, if you ask, offer, and listen first to find out what others might need to learn and determine whether they are receptive to learning from you, you are acting with them. Once others accept your offer, teaching and coaching become perfectly respectful actions you can do with them.

Here are some incredibly normal to behaviors I see all the time:

• Walking into a room expecting to wow people without knowing who is there and whether they came to be wowed.
  – Speakers are notorious for this off-putting attitude.
• Assuming you have the solution to someone’s problem before you have talked with them about their objectives and current situation.
  – Sales people do this all the time.
• Doing all the talking when trying to help.
  – Parents are top offenders.
• Doing all the talking when providing feedback.
  – Managers, parents, and big siblings are tied for first on this one.

Think with instead and you will gradually find yourself increasingly able to approach others ready to listen and share the value you have to offer without engaging in to behaviors. As a result, you will find a better way to sell, teach, and contribute to the well being of others and your organization. This is a principle that guides my life and my business. Some day, maybe I’ll go back and finish that book: “The Only Dance There Is” by Ram Dass.