Both sons-in-law were quite taken aback when I made a comment one day about not being judgmental. I have no memory of the context, but I certainly remember the incident! It was almost as jolting as the time my husband, a.k.a my mixed doubles partner, yelled “That’s the third time!” But that’s another story.

I asked these shocked young men to give me examples. They did and I was both in agreement and relieved with the evidence presented. Judgmental I was! But a clear distinction was in order! 

I judge the behavior of people all the time. I don’t approve, and often make my opinion known, when people are unkind, rude, dishonest, careless, inconsiderate, incompetent, inefficient, and much, much more.

However, I don’t judge the people.

Did he just get off the phone with Comcast? Twenty minutes on hold followed by incompetent service and no resolution to a problem can certainly make me rude!

Did she receive stupid training? Speaking of customer service, many employees are measured by the number of calls they handle in an hour; being helpful may not even be on their radar!

Did he steal because his children are starving? Did I say something to offend? Is she horribly insecure or unhappy? Is this a bad day? Are there cultural differences?

I have no idea why someone acts unkindly, dishonestly, carelessly, stupidly, or in any other way. As much as I may abhor or dislike what I’ve just seen, I know too little to draw conclusions about the person before me. I always leave the door open for a reasonable explanation this incident and different behaviors rom this person in the future.

In the meantime, I react to the bad behavior. How I react depends on the circumstances. Political misbehavior triggers my rants. Miscellaneous annoying people trigger my avoidance. Poor service triggers complaints. Employees, and others with whom I work, trigger my feedback on the behavior and the impact it has on me, others, and the organization so explanations, learning, and change are possible. Persistently inappropriate behavior triggers a more dramatic change.

But I always leave the door open for those unanticipated explanations, learning in both directions, and change. Judge the behavior, not the people.This distinction creates clarity, fairness, and opportunity for learning and growth.

For more Clear Distinctions, visit that section of my blog.