I recently accepted a friend request on Facebook from a relative I don’t know well. She immediately commented on some of my posts, so I visited some of hers. What I found was a welcome breath of fresh air and a model for others on social media!

For example, my new friend had shared an article from christianpost.com entitled “We are pro-life evangelicals for Biden.” Not only was this article political, it addressed abortion, the issue garnering possibly the most unyielding and entrenched positions. Can you feel the heat just thinking about it?

Thirty-five comments later, I was wishing I could bottle and sell the tone and techniques I had encountered in this very serious discussion. The first comment could have triggered a typical series of angry, disrespectful Facebook rants:

“Pro-life refers to abortion. All these other issues can’t be tacked on. Harris and Biden are pro-choice, not pro-life.”

My Visit To Wonderland

But it didn’t. Not even close. Instead, both sides provided specific facts, examples, questions, and concerns liberally laced with respect, thoughtfulness, honesty, and caring. Here are just some examples of what I saw:

“To me, pro-life means …”

“I think a goal that we can all agree on is …”

“As an unwed, young, single mother, it’s obvious what my personal stance was and is, but I completely agree with you on …”

“Thanks for your support on this. I think we see the world in a very similar way, and even when we disagree, I respect you and I’m glad to count you among my friends.”

“Another angle I rarely see discussed is …”

“It is so complex …”

“Studies show that …”

“Actually, everyone is pro life, it’s just that …”

“Thank you for your input. Your voice is always valued here.”

“I appreciate this thread. Rational, honest, intellectual exchange.”

“I like what you said. I am on both sides if that’s possible. It’s a multifaceted and complex thing. On one hand life is precious and pregnancy starts that life. But there has to be a way for people in circumstances I might not understand to …”

“I wish there were no abortions ever but that can’t happen because we are in a broken world.”

“I know that choices about abortion can be much harder than I could ever imagine.”

“We can reduce abortions by …”

“How about if we …”

“I actually like this way of thinking. Do you have a suggestion of how this could be implemented?”

“Thank you for weighing in.”

“That’s a great suggestion. I wish more people thought like you.”

“See! It’s a win-win.”

“I was really nervous to make this post as I felt like I may be taking a stand that would alienate some people. That is never my goal. All friends who have weighed in on this have made me feel so good about opening this up for discussion. Thank you all for being thoughtful, kind, and reasonable in your responses to one another.”

Home Again

When was the last time a long Facebook exchange about abortion or any divisive issue made you feel good? Truly good. Not “good” because you think you won. Not “good” because you reached the undeniable conclusion that those other guys are incorrigible idiots. Not “good” because you just encountered the last straw and finally made the decisions to delete your Facebook account. Truly good.

Social Media Without Venom

It isn’t always easy to participate constructively and respectfully in discussions when you have strong opinions. In order to do so effectively, we can learn from my new friend’s conversation and focus on the three most important factors governing productive conversation.

Your Attitude – Step back a moment and think about the people with whom you are engaging. Do you think of them as worthy people formed by different experiences from whom you might learn something, with whom you might build a relationship, or who might be interested in something you have to share? Are you honestly interested in learning why they feel the way they do and what they care about? If so, then go ahead and engage. Listen, question, explain, and suggest with respect. That’s what I saw in this wonderful Facebook encounter.

Or do you think of the others as stupid, deplorable, gullible, nasty, hopeless, commie, racist, fascist, and/or clueless morons? That’s what I see in most social media exchanges. If that’s your attitude, don’t burn your precious time or theirs arguing with them. You won’t learn anything and you certainly won’t change any minds. Labeling people, calling them names, assuming the worst about them, and insulting them will only make yourself and everyone in the vicinity feel miserable. In the workplace, our preconceptions usually run more along the lines of lazy, careless, arrogant, and clueless, but the problem and the solution are the same. Don’t go into a conversation with the attitude that “I’m right and you’re wrong.” Nothing good will come of it.

Instead, walk away. That would be better for all involved. Come back only if and when your attitude allows you to approach differing opinions with respect, thoughtfulness, curiosity, and caring. Be clear and honest about your attitude and the preconceptions you are bringing into a conversation. Your attitude is the most important factor in determining whether your voice is a welcome addition or a destructive force.

Your Language – Do you use phrases such as “pro-life,” “pro-police,” and “pro-America” that imply that people who disagree with you are anti-life, anti-police, and anti-America? To me, those phrases are incredibly offensive because they co-opt things we all care about to support one side of an argument and denigrate the other. When you hear phrases such as those, follow the example I witnessed on Facebook and talk about what those phrases really mean to each other.

Do you echo divisive language with unclear meanings? Take the word socialism, for example. Most of the sneering people who hurl it like a weapon don’t really know what it means. Far better to look it up and have a conversation about Democratic socialism versus American socialism (which isn’t really socialism) and why some of our most revered social programs (Social Security and Medicare) aren’t socialist. Seek specificity and commonality by asking clarifying questions like my new friend did on Facebook.

Do you paste others with labels and generalizations? Let’s use a common social media example such as calling someone a racist. Identifying racist behavior is one thing because it is specific and visible and makes improvement possible. Labeling someone a racist is entirely different because it is a generalization and it doesn’t help anyone improve. If everyone is a racist who has at some time done something that disadvantages a person of color because of their color, then we are all racist, including many people of color. How does that help? It is far more effective to help people see how their specific behaviors promote racial inequality. I write frequently about the dangers of labeling and generalizations. “He Is A Racist – Not!” is one such example. Luckily the tone taken in the workplace is usually better than in social media, but the problem is the same. Labels and generalizations generate unproductive emotions such as anger and defensiveness and don’t help anyone understand how they might change for the better.

Seek clear language that says what you really mean, elicits honest conversation about what you value, and allows you to identify commonalities and differences with specificity. By the way, when you do that, with specificity, you find far more agreement than disagreement.

Your Intention – When you read or hear a comment you don’t like or don’t agree with, what is your intention? Are you searching for the brilliant response or insult that will slam the door in their face? Or are you seeking support, answers, or trying to determine what others really mean and why they feel as they do?

Even when you engage calmly in a discussion, what is your intention? Honestly now. Are you trying to show off, win an argument, or belittle others? Or are you trying to share your joy and/or ideas and knowledge and understand others?

The distinction in both of these cases is whether you are trying to do something TO somebody or WITH somebody? This difference is huge. When we try to do something TO someone else, we usually fail. When we try to do something WITH someone else, we have an excellent chance of succeeding.

Doing TO includes many obviously negative intentions such as manipulating, coercing, and controlling, but it also includes many well-meaning intentions such as teaching, coaching, informing, and persuading.

Doing WITH includes listening, clarifying, and asking permission to share and help. Teaching, coaching, informing, persuading, and problem-solving can all be WITH activities, but only if the other person grants you permission.

Adopt the right attitude, use clear language, and keep this TO/WITH distinction front and center as you interact with others. It will save you lots of time and anxiety as it leads you to fewer confrontations and many more positive and effective interactions.

When the attitude, language, and intentions of others run amuck, your best bet is to ask clarifying questions. Get specific. Seek commonality. There is a point, however, where your efforts are doomed and it’s best to walk away, at least until the other person cools off and you can try a new approach.

More than ever, we all need to be as respectful, clear, and well-intentioned as my new Facebook friends. Best of luck! May clarity prevail!

This article first appeared on Forbes, November 1st, 2020