I used to hate giving feedback. I hated that uncomfortable feeling of delivering bad news or confronting employees who screwed up or came up short. I didn’t know anyone who felt differently. I still don’t. I am hoping this article changes that.

When I learned what I call The Feedback Formula, where you focus on observable behavior and impact, I truly appreciated the technique, but it didn’t change how I felt. Giving feedback was still uncomfortable, sometimes extremely uncomfortable. And, definitely, something to be avoided if at all possible.

I admit to procrastinating until the feedback I needed to deliver was essentially irrelevant, forgotten, or way too embarrassing to mention after such a delay. I admit to sugar-coating the message until the message was buried. I was just another card-carrying member in good standing of the parade tiptoeing around difficult and unpleasant situations involving employee performance and behavior.

Then I made an incredible discovery. A discovery that removed the discomfort entirely and opened the door to a new level of honest, open communication. By recognizing one simple fact, my perspective shifted and the discomfort disappeared. I call this The Disconnect Principle.

As the queen of uncommon clarity, it should not have taken me so long to recognize and establish The Disconnect Principle. After all, creating clarity is all about eliminating disconnects! Better late than never, though, and I am now extremely excited to share with you a simple, but all important, principle that can shift your perspective and eliminate the mother of all disconnects. Embrace this clarity-creating principle and it can change your life and the way you relate to others, whether your employees, co-workers, friends or family.

The Disconnect Principle

So here it is. The Disconnect Principle:

If someone doesn’t do as you expected, all you know for sure is that he or she didn’t do as you expected. Period. There is a disconnect between what you expected and what happened.

You do not know that they screwed up. You do not know that they are incompetent. You do not know that they are careless or stupid or lazy or uncaring or forgetful or rude or manipulative or untruthful or irresponsible or narcissistic or entitled or any other judgmental label you can think of that occurs to you when someone doesn’t do as you had hoped.

You certainly do not know that you are right and they are wrong.

All you know for sure is that there is a disconnect between what you expected and what happened.

Once you embrace the disconnect you can forget every one of those thoughts that cast you as the good guy and them as the bad guy. Embrace the disconnect and you can dismiss all the negative and accusatory sentiments that cause the discomfort and make it so hard to talk about what has or hasn’t happened. Embrace the disconnect and you can forget every one of those thoughts that make you superior and them inferior.

If you succeed in embracing the disconnect, it will be obvious. The discomfort will melt away. Suddenly, you can have a very simple discussion about what happened, what you had hoped would happen, and why the two are out of synch.

Let’s consider three examples:

• Steve showed up late three days running.
• Sarah, a fellow member of the management team, contradicted you in a large group meeting on a topic the two of you had discussed and agreed just the day before.
• Peter failed to meet an important deadline that led to the loss of a sale.

Without The Disconnect Principle

“Steve is simply unreliable! He doesn’t have a clue how disruptive it is when he comes in late. I need to set him straight and if he does it again, I’ll create an improvement plan so we can fire him next time.”

“Sarah isn’t a team player! How could she do this to me? What can I say to her? That behavior was simply unacceptable!”

“OMG! What was Peter thinking? Is he a complete imbecile? Man, I thought he was coming around, but this is a total disaster! I will give him a piece of my mind and make it clear that he needs to straighten up and deliver from here on in or he is out!”

With mindsets like these, even if you carefully spell out the specific observable behavior and its impact:

• Do you think these will be comfortable conversations?
• Do you think they will be productive conversations?

I’d say, not a chance! I’d also say that these are quite typical. Have you walked into conversations with similar thoughts?

With The Disconnect Principle

Now reconsider the same situations after embracing The Disconnect Principle.

“I hope Steve is OK. I need to be sure he understands the disruption he has caused and then I need to figure out what is going on and how to prevent or plan for a recurrence. Is it possible he doesn’t realize that we expect him here by 8:00? Could he be thinking of leaving? Could there be something seriously wrong? We definitely have a disconnect, but I have no idea what it is.”

“Sarah put me in an extremely awkward position. I wonder what she was thinking. I thought we had an understanding. Clearly, we have a big disconnect. Either we are not seeing eye to eye on this decision or she doesn’t see her management role the way I do. I need to talk with her to find out what she is thinking and also be sure she understands why her comment put me in such an awkward position.”

“Peter is going to be devastated. Is it possible he didn’t know we were counting on him to be ready by Tuesday? I need to find out what happened so this doesn’t happen again. Maybe he has too much on his plate or just didn’t have the confidence to pull the trigger on something like this. Maybe he wasn’t comfortable asking for help. This is a perfect example of a disconnect between what I expected and what actually happened! What could I have done differently?”

See the difference?

By embracing the disconnect, you can replace uncomfortable and difficult confrontations with honest, caring, and mutually respectful problem-solving sessions. I’ll take these latter conversations over the others any day. As a matter of fact, these scenarios make me so curious, I am actually eager to talk with Steve, Sarah and Peter. How about you?

This article first appeared on Forbes, March 26th, 2019