Now that I have your attention, let me make one thing completely clear: you can not change others! Not bosses. Not employees. Not co-workers. Not family. Maybe especially not family -partners, children, or parents! People change their behavior, beliefs, and life circumstances only when they are ready. Simply put, they ‘gotta wanna’!

One of my readers wrote seeking advice about several obstacles his wife faced at work. As I read his email, I could see that part of the issue was her unwillingness to speak up and try to change her circumstances, which was a source of frustration to him. He was sympathetic and concerned, but she was in a difficult situation that wasn’t going to fix itself. So what does one do in this situation?

First, remind yourself that you can’t change others. Period. You must accept that simple fact or you will just waste your breath and be a royal pain to the person you would like to change.

Second, if your input is welcome, and never assume it is, you can help by:

• Clarifying desires, obstacles, assumptions, and concerns
• Sharing your own experiences and perspectives
• Brainstorming options – there are always more options than you realize
• Teasing out worries in order to transform nebulous fears into concrete scenarios that might actually be manageable once they are specific and clear

This process can take a few minutes, months, or years, and you must continue to ensure your input is welcome throughout the process!

Nonetheless, his wife, and each of us, must choose our battles. We can seek advice and support, but in the end, we do what we are ready to do. Sometimes we act and sometimes we settle for the status quo. When we opt out of action, whether consciously or unconsciously, there are two points all parties should heed. If we opt out:

• We need to accept the consequences, accept the status quo, and focus on other things. There is no point in dwelling on things we aren’t willing to change.
• We still need the support of our loved ones.

If we accept a situation, we can concentrate our time and thoughts on other things—things we are ready to change and things that make us happy. Life is short. We need to invest our energy as much as possible in the causes that inspire us and the people and activities that enrich our lives.

If we act, we can change our lives. The transition might be frightening and down-right painful, but we will learn and, with any luck, live to go for more or to try again.

Either way, we ‘gotta wanna’!