There is a formula for providing effective feedback. It is really pretty simple and many people know about it. Recently, however, I discovered a common and fatal flaw in the way most people apply that formula.

The Feedback Formula

The formula involves pointing out a specific, observable behavior and ensuring the other person understands the impact of that behavior.

“When you {did/said a particular factual, observable thing},

{it made me/us/the company feel/think/suffer a negative impact}.”

Once you’ve made your point, it is time to listen and understand the other person’s perspective on what happened and why.

With this new, mutual understanding, you can work together to figure out how to prevent a recurrence.

To make this work, you have to:

• Realize you don’t know the whole story
• Shut up and listen
• Get into problem-solving mode

The Fatal Flaw

Instead, it turns out that too many people walk into these conversations believing:

• “He screwed up.”
• “I’ll straighten him out!”
• “We can’t put up with this kind of behavior!”

If you walk into a conversation with that attitude, you’ve already failed.

My Disconnect Principle

When you see behaviors that hurt someone or the organization, 99% of the time all you know for certain is:

• What happened isn’t what you expected or hoped would happen.

There is a disconnect between what you would like to have seen and what you saw.

That disconnect can be caused by myriad factors. For example, the person with whom you are upset may:

• Have no idea what he did
• Have no awareness of the impact of that behavior
• Have a bad habit he is struggling to break
• Have been intentionally trying an innovative new approach
• Not understand your expectations
• Measure his success so differently from how you measure his success that you may as well be speaking different languages (an eye-opening example)
• Be suffering terrible personal trauma
• Be afraid to ask for help
• Be in the wrong job

Let me reiterate that these are just a few of the possibilities. There is so much you don’t know. All you know for sure is what you witnessed isn’t what you wanted.

So, go back to the formula. This time with greater respect for the other person and what you don’t know. Do not walk in thinking you are right and the other person is wrong. Every disconnect has two sides.

Amazing Results

My clients who have embraced my Disconnect Principle have transformed the way they talk to each other and resolve issues. The results are stunning. And the word disconnect is suddenly among their most common!