We build images of others based on tiny tidbits of information. Being a lawyer paints one image. Playing golf conjures another. A lawyer playing golf solidifies an image. A lawyer climbing Mt. Everest twists the image. We see what people do and create an image of who they are. Each new clue surprises or confirms. The image evolves or solidifies accordingly.

When people make choices like ours and behave as we do, the images we paint can start looking a lot like ourselves. Those living in our neighborhoods, attending our schools, working where we work, participating in similar activities, and friends of our friends must be a lot like us! 

And then we are totally surprised and shocked when these neighbors bomb the Boston Marathon or embezzle $200,000, as was apparently done by the woman a few houses down on my street.

Why are we so surprised? Because we conflate what people do with who they are. Our expectations are based on relatively few visible behaviors while we know next to nothing about what they value, believe, love, aspire to, fear, admire, hope for, intend, or have experienced.

Terrorists and crooks aren’t the only ones of whom we know little. Surprises, disappointments, pain, and unrealistic expectations are daily occurrences involving our children, employees, bosses, friends, and lovers because we expect them to conform to the images we’ve painted based on too little information (or worse, based on what we would prefer, but that is another topic). Separate what others do from who they are. Take another look at someone you think you know well and realize how little you know about what it is like to occupy his or her body and mind. Take another look at those around you and realize how important it is to open your eyes, ears, and mind.