These three words might be the best advice I can ever give you to address difficult and uncomfortable situations.

“Tell Me More”

If someone says anything that shocks, surprises, or makes you defensive, the best response is “Tell me more.”

• We can’t trust you.
• You don’t trust me.
• You are going to have to prove yourself.
• You should have talked to me first.
• You always … {fill in the blank}
• You never… {fill in the blank}
• You and the other leaders/executives/managers aren’t being {fair, transparent, honest – choose the complaint} with us.
• Why do you always blame me?
• You are manipulative.
• You don’t care about us.
• No matter how hard I work, I can’t win.

For these and similar complaints, don’t respond immediately to the question or charge. Most important of all, don’t defend yourself. Simply say “Tell me more.” Not only will this buy you some time to manage your emotions, it will also prevent you from acting on assumptions and getting defensive. Remember my Disconnect Principle: All you know for sure is that what you or others expected or wanted is not what seems to have occurred. If you dive in, you will only make matters worse.

Even if an employee (or friend) seems to be turning to you for help by saying, “I don’t know what to do. I don’t know whether I should … or …,” the best response is still, “Tell me more.” We tend to leap in and try to solve the problems of others with quick advice when what the other person needs most is someone who cares enough to listen and support while they solve their own problems.

If you can’t keep quiet while you wait for someone to tell you more or you are looking for some variations on this theme to stimulate the conversation, you can try one of the following:

• Why do you feel that way?
• What has happened to make you feel that way?
• I can’t solve a problem without understanding what happened. Help me understand.
• I really do want to understand.

Remember, this isn’t about being right or wrong. It isn’t even about solving a problem or changing someone’s behavior. The point is to listen and try to understand what they are really saying.

Tell me more. What questions or comments work best for you in these situations?