I have written hundreds of articles containing my best ideas, all of which are available for free on my website. I send a newsletter every month without fail, delivering my newest ideas to inboxes all over the world. I respond to emails and LinkedIn questions directly. I give free advice by phone to inactive clients and prospective clients because they need it, not because they are considering hiring me.

I truly appreciate it when people take the time to reply with their thanks and reactions, comment on and share my posts on social media, and write testimonials for my website or for my books on Amazon. The social sharing and Amazon reviews are especially appreciated because my goal is to spread the power of clarity and those are great ways to get the message out.

But something happened recently that caught me up short. I received a handwritten thank-you note in the mail after talking with someone at a client organization I hadn’t worked with in several years. He sent me an important question by email, something easier to address on Zoom, and so I reached out to him. I was very pleased that he appreciated what I had to say enough to take the time to mail me a note. That handwritten thank-you note for free advice may have been a first in almost twenty years in business.

But then I got to thinking about how, how often, and to whom we express gratitude. I suspect there are many factors involved, but I’d put four at the top of the list:

• Importance of the relationship
• Element of surprise
• Ease
• Value received

Relationships

Most of us are pretty good about expressing gratitude to close friends. When the relationship is important, that’s pretty natural. Relationships can be important with business service providers as well, especially when their success can affect your own success. We thank the plumber quite profusely because we want him or her to love us in the hopes that we will get great service when we have an emergency on a Sunday morning!

Expectations

The element of surprise also plays a role in our gratitude. If we are unhappy or expect little and someone delivers a nice surprise, we can be incredibly grateful. Imagine that plumber coming an hour early when you were sure you’d have to wait all day. That would be a surprise worthy of great thanks! Imagine further that the plumber told you the visit was without charge. How thankful would you be? You’d sing his or her praises far and wide. You might even find a way to post a review, submit a testimonial, or advertise their services on social media. Surprises that make our day and exceed expectations garner gratitude even when the relationship isn’t strong going in. As a matter of fact, the element of surprise kindles and strengthens the relationship.

Ease

We are also quick to express gratitude when it is easy to do so. If someone is close at hand, we see them often, the relationship is easy, or we can simply hit Like or Reply, it is easy to be appreciative.

Value

Great value also triggers gratitude. If someone provides significant help, bails you out of a tough situation, or sends you a jaw-dropping check in a birthday card, you would express your thanks enthusiastically, wouldn’t you?

Or would you?

At first blush, you might think gratitude is all about value, but it isn’t. Relationships, surprises, and ease definitely come first.

Close friends will thank each other profusely over tiny surprises. During this pandemic, my neighbors gather outside each other’s houses on birthdays to hold up a banner and sing Happy Birthday. This is clearly about relationships/caring and surprises, not actual value (though no one should be very surprised at this point).

When a store clerk unexpectedly knocks $10 off your purchase, you might feel as if you just hit the jackpot and your appreciation gushes forth. All over ten bucks and the element of surprise in a situation where gratitude is easy.

So how often do we express our appreciation when we receive great value outside an on-going relationship and face-to-face (mask-to-mask) opportunities? Or when it takes more effort than hitting Like? Unfortunately, I don’t think it is often enough. Furthermore, I think the reality is that we are more likely to express that gratitude to a friend or colleague than to the person who provided the value.

We find great advice on the Internet multiple times a day. We inhale the newsletters we value most. We read books that shape us in major ways. The anonymity and distance make it possible to receive tremendous value without close relationships, the element of surprise, or an easy means of expressing that gratitude. And so we don’t express it. At least, not to the person providing the value. That’s why something like this handwritten note from someone I’ve spoken with only a couple of times is so unusual.

Am I right? How do these four factors affect how, when, and to whom you express gratitude?

We’ve all seen the studies that prove that being grateful and expressing gratitude make us happier. Obviously, it’s nice to be on the receiving end too. And it’s also perfectly clear that gratitude and it’s inherent kindness can help us heal our fractured world and bring us closer together. Do you think it’s time to widen the beam of our gratitude to more than our immediate friends, direct contacts, and people with whom we hope to build a relationship? Maybe instead of random acts of kindness to random people, we could show more gratitude to those who help us in our communities and from around the world.

What do you think? Will these ideas change who you might reach out to with your thanks? I know they have changed mine! There are some new names on my list and they are not the usual suspects!